


A Very Homestuck Valentine's Day

by mitspeiler



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Comedy, Friendship/Love, Multi, Unrequited Love, Valentine's Day, it's good though, love is all you need, regular love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-15
Updated: 2014-02-15
Packaged: 2018-01-12 11:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1185885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitspeiler/pseuds/mitspeiler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The kids all struggle to find love on the day dedicated to that peculiar human emotion.  Hilarity (and crack ships) ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Very Homestuck Valentine's Day

**Author's Note:**

> This fic looks best in the default setting because of a certain image. I mention this because I usually use 'Reversi', as the default hurts my wimpy eyes T_T

            “YOU’RE TEARING ME APART FEF!” Eridan howled, tearing his shirt in anguish.  The crowd ‘oohed’ appreciatively at the spectacle.

            Feferi sighed.  Why did her best friend have to pull this shit now?  On Valentine’s day?  In front of the whole fucking school?  “Eridan, I do glub you!  As a FRIEND!”

            He fell to his knees, sobbing and growling by turns, trying to strangle himself with his scarf.  “Wwhat glubbing good does that do me!?”

            Feferi sighed exasperatedly as the watching student body began to crack up at Eridan’s embarrassing display.  She tossed her bleached blonde hair and put on a determined face, hands on her hips.  “For fuck’s sake Eridan you _know_ I am going out with Sollux!  Did you really think that you could just say something and I’d completely change my feelings for the both of you? I mean, sure, _try_ , you never know, but you shouldn’t have expected to succeed and certainly shouldn’t have done it in front of everyone like this!”  She turned on her heels and stalked off.  “I can’t deal with you right now!  I’m going to go and see my Valentine!”

            Eridan began singing “How Could This Happen to Me” by A Simple Plan, choking back wretched sobs.  It was awful.

 

            Jade could hardly move thanks to the pile of Valentines she was carrying in her arms.  Cards, paper hearts, chocolates in heart-shaped boxes, bouquets of flowers, bits of jewelry (such as could be afforded on a high schooler’s allowance but it was the thought that counted) and even…a love letter written in the sender’s blood, declaring the agony his useless lump of a heart was in over Jade and how he should just end his own misery immediately rather than face her possible rejection.  Another one of her favorites was a pair of dollar-store sunglasses that had been defaced by washable marker to feature Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff failing to bro hug-bump across the nosebridge, and one final one was a heart-achingly sweet hand-made note from the paralyzed boy in her chemistry class. 

            “It’s so nice to be liked,” Jade said, more trying to convince herself than actually exclaiming her love for love.  She stumbled and a landslide of heart-shaped red things slipped from the top of her pile to the ground, which at the very least freed up her forward vision.  “Ugh,” she groaned, bending on her knees and gently setting the pile down, only for the entire thing to topple over.

            “Wwatch where you set that damned thing!” Eridan hissed, digging his way out of internment within the love-mound.

            Jade squeaked.  “Oh!  Sorry, I didn’t see you there…” she trailed off, remembering what had happened earlier in the day during first break.  “Have you just been lying on the ground these past two class periods?” she asked, bewildered.

            Eridan hissed.  “Don’t act like you care about my business!”

            “I feel really bad for you actually,” Jade said softly.  “Um…Eric?”

            “Eridan!” he snapped, standing up.  Eridan was quite tall and loomed over the kneeling girl.  “Let me guess, you don’t know my name because I’m the only one who didn’t send you a fucking card?”  He aimed a finger accusingly.

            “Oh shut up,” she snapped, leaping to her feet as well, “I’m just trying to be nice!  Maybe if you did that you’d get some Valentines too!”  At her full height, she was an even match for the boy.

            “People don’t like you because you’re _nice_!” Eridan hissed, bearing his teeth in a derisive, shark-like grin.  “They like you because you’re _hot_!  And you act so ditzy that people think they’ll be able to get you into bed!”

            Jade slapped him.  “No one is ever going to love you!” snapped.  “Not with that attitude!”  She grabbed Eridan by his scarf and yanked him hard until their faces were almost touching.  Eridan had been wrong, _she_ was taller.  “And if you ever imply that I’m easy again you fuckass,” she hissed, “I will put a special custom made all-steel bullet that my grandpa makes for me, right here,” she said, flicking him between the eyes.  It hurt, but the worst thing was the prickly lingering sensation that happens when anyone touches that area.  “They’re special,” she added in a low whisper, “because they pack a time-release explosive warhead.  There will be nothing left of your dumbshit melon afterwards.”

            Eridan pulled back, twisting his way out of his scarf.  “I didn’t say you _wwere_ easy!” he growled, holding a hand over his cut lip that was now spewing blood all over his torn sweater.  “I have you in like six different classes I knoww that you’re like this perfect fuckin’ angel!”

            Jade shoved him, shouting “you don’t know me!”  She had only meant to push him a little but since the ground was strewn about with her spilled Valentines, he slipped and fell to the ground hard.

            Jade gasped.  For all that she wanted to kill him, she didn’t like to actually _hurt_ anybody. “I’m sorry!” she said, trying to help him up.

            “You’re right, I don’t fuckin’ knoww you,” he muttered under his breath.  In that moment, bleeding all over himself, violet eyes wide and livid like a panicked horse’s, Eridan looked so terribly pathetic that Jade melted a little.  This idiot just needed a kind, guiding hand to pull him out of the funk of doucheness.

            “So how about we get to know each other then?” she asked with a winning smile.  Eridan felt something like a sledgehammer striking him in the general vicinity of his lower body, except it didn’t hurt.  It was not arousal but some sort of romantic potentiality.

            “Um,” he said, flushing slightly.  He’d known Jade was sort of objectively attractive, but he’d never paid her much mind thanks to his obsession with Feferi.  He’d been her lapdog all these years, he thought, and here was a new opportunity staring him in the face. Was it his dynamic manliness?  Must have been.  No one could resist the Ampora!  “Absolutely,” he declared.  “Wwhatevver you wwant to do!”

            “Help me pick all these up while we make plans then,” Jade said, falling to her knees again as she collected the spilled cards and candies.  Eridan complied eagerly, even though a little niggling thought in the back of his head was irritating him.  No one, it said, except the one he wanted.

 

            Feferi knew Sollux’s usual hiding places, so she always had a good idea of where to find him.  What she wanted to know was why he was being so difficult to find today.  A thought occurred to her midstep, exactly halfway between the cafeteria and the shop.  As her foot hit the ground, a shiver ran all the way up her body, from her sole to her scalp.  It shook her mass of jewelry, clacking her bangles and rattling her necklaces.  “He’s trying to surprise me!” she shrieked with pure joy, startling a bunch of passing freshmen who stared at her in terror.  Feferi took off running as fast as her cute pink heels could take her—which was very fast indeed.  The Peixes family did not fuck around.

            The last of the secret places was just up ahead, in a little maintenance tunnel between the shop and the weight room.  The long, moldering row-building loomed ahead for a second or two like a very old man who is able to remember the ghost of passion but not to relive it, and then she was inside and being gawked at by a bunch of sweaty, over-stimulated boys, many of whom shyly glanced down at their gym shorts.  The damn things were so clingy about the groin and there was a hot girl present…

            Fortunately for them Feferi was like a blur as she made for the westernmost end of the room, her heels making a slight ripping sound as she lifted them off the tacky, sticky floor matting.  She stood before a life-sized diagram of the human male musculature and pressed herself against it hard before punching it in the quadriceps.  It instantly flipped around and tipped her into the adjacent room.  Her passage through the weight room was so rapid that the boys were already complaining of ghost boners.

            Sollux’s secret rooms were not just hiding places like many lesser geeks’.  They were combined safe rooms, hangouts, and laboratories.  The walls in the steam tunnel had been laminated in some sort of crystalline-black carbon-fiber substance and inset with furniture and piles and piles books, video games, monitors, computer servers, and other electronic equipment that depended on the location.  The one on the roof of the North Gym for example, that is, the one with the swimming pool, was essentially a broadcasting station for Sollux’s pirate radio station that played mostly electronic music of his own composition, show tunes, and condescending dramatic readings of Dan Brown novels.

            This one was less interesting due to its small size, though it still managed to feature a fantastic entertainment system and, awash in the blue light of the television, a cot—

            _Upon which he and Aradia were busily and enthusiastically making out._   Feferi shrieked and dug a fork out of her purse, diving for the couple just as they took notice.

 

            Fifteen minutes later they were all lying battered and bloody on the floor.  Feferi had been spared a black eye by her ever-present swimming goggles, though fortunately for her she didn’t even wear earrings because her elaborate, heavy necklaces were now bits of gold, silver, and random stray pearls scattered all over the floor.  Her face was covered in scratches and she could feel an exquisite fuchsia bruise forming on her hip in the exact shape of Aradia’s ram-headed belt-buckle.

            The other girl was worse off of course.  Aradia was quietly sobbing across from Feferi.  Most notable, her forehead was stained with blood from an ugly red patch on the crown of her skull where Feferi had ripped free a hank of her thick, wavy hair.  She was still holding it.  Feferi sniffed sadly.  “It’s so silky and smooth,” she said, a tear rolling down her face.  She self-consciously touched her own hair; the color was pretty but she was always doing stuff to it and the feel of it was suffering, at least compared to Aradia’s glorious natural lock.  “No wonder he likes you more!” she cried.

            Aradia squeaked, shaking her head.  “You have those big beautiful eyes and you carry yourself like a princess!  Sollux could never leave you!  He kept saying he would but he never did!”  She reached out with her left foot and kicked Sollux’s savaged form.  Halfway through the fight they had both started working him over instead of each other and he was a mass of livid colors, none of which resembled natural human tones aside from his odd, black-and-blond hair.  It was fortunate that he had been ugly to begin with (both girls had admired his intellect and wit, _not_ his looks), because he was certainly going to be no prettier once he recovered.

            “I’m not a one woman man,” he said through broken teeth.  Somehow, it actually _improved_ his speaking voice.

            “I _loved_ you!” Feferi accused.

            “Love is pain,” Sollux deadpanned, having had the ability to give a shit beaten out of him entirely.  Or so he thought until she threw one of her heels at him, the three inch stiletto digging into his side like a knife.

            Once he stopped gurgling in wretched agony, Feferi stood up.  So did Aradia.  They slammed into each other and hugged.  “I’m sorry,” they both said.  “We were fools to trust this idiot!”  There were more things said, but the words were largely lost in incoherent babbling.  Eventually the two of them left arm in arm, sobbing and vowing to never be made fools of by a creature of the unfair sex again.

 

> Dear John,
> 
>  
> 
>      I’m sorry 8ut I’m going to have to 8reak your heart.  A part of me will always love you, but I have 8een given an opportunity that only comes once in a lifetime!  I’m going to go off and 8e a real pirate, isn’t that awesome!? ::::D
> 
>      Naturally I can’t give you my crew’s wherea8outs, or when I’ll 8e 8ack, if ever.  I’m risking everything just telling you this so be graaaaaaaateful! >::::/ 
> 
>      But........ I will miss you.  And........ since I don’t know when or if I’ll come back, that makes this goodbye forever.  Much as I want you, I can’t have you waiting for me for however long and missing out on life while I’m out living mine.  It wouldn’t 8e fair.  I wouldn’t even care a8out that kind of thing if it wasn’t for you.  So thank you, for making me a 8etter person.
> 
>  
> 
> Love,
> 
> [ ](http://imgur.com/NdpZvEg)

 

            John had stared at the note that had been stuffed into his locker for a full five minutes before it began to make anything resembling sense.  That was five days ago.  Dave had tried to convince him to go out and start dating again.  “Not even a serious relationship,” Dave added, leaning against a wall.  There was always a wall for him, somewhere.  “Just someone to fool around with a little for a couple weeks so you can remember that you’re alive and Serket’s fine ass ain’t the final say on the matter.”  And then Dave had disappeared to try to seduce John’s sister but that was another story.

            John scanned the crowd.  There wasn’t anything he could think of doing.  Oh God, _that_ was inappropriate.  But seriously, it had only been a few days!  He couldn’t just _move on_ that quickly it would be disrespectful—

            Oh my.  The bedraggled beauty sitting at the lunch table on the patio all by her lonesome—both of them were ditching class, operating on the assumption that high school is not a place of learning but a lobby world in an adventure game—was just _stunningly_ beat up.  John’s long-dormant hero instincts rose up the surface and demanded that he rush to her aid.  He strode purposefully to the girl’s table and sat down with a great degree of gravity.  She looked up at him with flawless purple-pink eyes.  “Who did this to you?” he asked, jaw set.  Then something he didn’t expect happened.  She laughed at him.

            It went on for a minute or two before she started bleeding from the mouth.  She covered it embarrassedly, looking up at him wide-eyed and John offered her a handkerchief.  Stupid Dad made him carry them for just such an occasion; who knew the guy could be right sometimes?  “Thank you,” she said, the shadow of a smile still on her pained features.  “Me and my friend got into an argument over a boy but it’s okay now!  We’re not going to let any horrible, penised beings into our lives again.”

            “Well that’s good,” said John with a relieved smile.  “Now I don’t have to beat anyone up!”

            Feferi giggled. “But unless I’m mistaken you’re a boy right?”

            “I’m not horrible and neither is my penis, so I don’t really fit into either of those criteria,” John explained. 

            Feferi nodded sagely.  Though she was generally smiling, her current smile took on a certain quality that it had not had before, one that spoke not of a general love of life but a sense of impending delight.  “What are you doing for Valentine’s day?” she asked.  “Aren’t you going out with Vriska?  She’s fun!”

            John’s face darkened.  “She…ran away to join a pirate crew bound for the Somali Coast,” he said.  “She’s been gone all week and doesn’t know when she’ll be back, so she broke up with me so I wouldn’t wait for her.”  By the end of the speech John was completely downcast and the gloom surrounding him seemed to be as complete as a terrible stormcloud.

            He felt a delicate, cool hand on his; it had well manicured pink nails and a load of bracelets, and was as soft as silk.  It was nothing like Vriska’s hands, which were hard as iron and worn from constantly working with her hands, be it at artwork or sword-fighting practice.  “I’ll be your valentine!” Feferi declared.

            John blushed a little bit.  “Um,” he stammered, preparing his mental notes about what would be proper and improper and still mourning his old relationship.

            But he took too long.  “It’s settled!” Feferi said, raising her arms jubilantly.  “I’ll pick you up at seven, wear something nice!”

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t even care anymore I do what I want.  
> Happy V-Day, I’m sure it’s still that somewhere in the world. It’s not complete and likely never will be :P  
> My humanstuck troll headcanons were established in _[The Musical,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/898828/chapters/1736987)_ with the minor alteration that Karkat is an albino who dyes his hair and wears colored contacts.  
>  The layout of the school is identical to my high school—in fact fuck it, it is my high school, these kids are attending Washington Union in California, which is explored here in [my friend’s web-comic.](http://dairyboycomics.com/)  
> I was going to publish something different today but found myself unable to write for a couple weeks due to things, sorry. But hey, the sequel to T of P might be up soon so we’ve got that going for us!  
> The joke with Eridan/Jade is quite simply that he is the least desired character in canon and she is the most, that is all.


End file.
